If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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