i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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