I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
