Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
