Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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