We got so high we made milksteak
sarcasm needs its own font
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
