I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
