need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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