Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
