Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
