so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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