Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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