I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
