2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think my fart just growled at me.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
