A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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