just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
