I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
