she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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