YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
