Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm passing your future prison.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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