it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
