Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I want her autograph on my taint
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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