So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
