Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
