Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
