in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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