I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Randomize
