This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
