why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
