i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
