Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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