My room smells like vodka and shame
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
