I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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