That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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