thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize