It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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