How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
