i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
