so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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