I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
