she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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