I am in a vortex of obligation.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
