whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
