go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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