apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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