New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Also, beer. Big fan.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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