and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I touched a dick in church today
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
