I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
