I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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