Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
