I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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