I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
