Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
