God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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