I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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