the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
