I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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