Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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