Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
